Pretty sure my mom just told me she thought I was going to be a lesbian

Mom: "you watched all of your sisters go through their relationships and mine as well.  I wasn't sure you were going to end up with a man."

Things I did not expect to hear coming out of anyone's mouth

I love going to the prison.

He can't work out at all after his freak sledding accident in January.

I am a source of light.

Owen is the fun police (Owen is a dog).

because you had to make the paper different standard sizes

I have been sending resumes to work while I am on my extended trip home.  And I just yesterday had someone print it out for me.  The formatting is screwed.  One column on 2 pages.  "I have great Microsoft Office skills" doesn't count anymore. 
Who was the jerk that decided one of these countries would have a slightly different size of standard paper?  I am giving that person the doigt d'honneur.  Thank you for making me look like an ass.  Was it not enough that I changed my eating, my speaking, my sleeping habits?! You must also screw with my professional abilities?

Back in the game

I am back in my home town for an extended visit.  And boy if I didn't just realize that I am crazy lady who talks to herself.