Monday, August 30, 2010

"We take month long vacations"

"Annual Vacation.
The restaurant will be
closed from August 4th
until September 3rd
(included)"

Translation: We are french and we take long ass vacations.

This is posted at my favorite Indian restaurant in our neighborhood.

It and half of the businesses in our neighborhood are closed during either July or August.

It is like a ghost town. But a ghost town where the ghosts left are really happy because they don't have to push or shove in the metro or make reservations at any restaurants because Paris is half empty.

I like Paris in the summer.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The time I thought someone took a shit in my shower room


In Europe, in general, toilets and the showers are in separate rooms. This makes things very convenient when sharing with many people, but inconvenient when you want to pretend that you never poop. (like when you are an overnight guest and poop just before you shower so everything has time to air out).

So my theory on why americans put their toilets and showers together goes like this -
You never have to be so rude as to ask someone for the toilet (.... AND you can poop before your shower)

It's not rude over here, but generally you only poop in your own home. Public toilets are not an option and unless you are in a REALLY nice restaurant. Caf├ęs, stores, restaurants they generally look like they left a diaperless 1 year old wander around, even in the girls toiletroom.

So anyway here is my toilet room/poop story.

Every year on the 4th of July we have a party (it is my way of bringing some cultural fun and imposing all my rules for an entire day and for any days of planning leading up to that day - which has actually resulted in me having a lot of american holiday parties). This year was fun, we had our usual french couple friends, my friends (it's true, after 2 years I have actual friends), and then friends of friends (mostly foreigners). This is more fun for me. I meet people, we chat, mingle. I watch our French couple friends huddle in a corner, keeping a safe distance from anyone they do not know.

So this year went better than most: our friends realized they could come and go as they pleased, and that they could eat continuously from the food laying out on the table (and not at fixed times).
And because we had foreigners as guests - a good 50% of the crowd - the party that started at 1p.m. lasted until 10p.m. Which is a swell reflection of a party if you ask me. So at about 9 o'clock we are saying goodbye to some people and I am standing in our entry way next to our toilet room. And I think to myself, wow someone was comfortable enough to take a dump in the toilet of our 2 room apartment filled with 25 people. Then, of course, I try to start figuring out who it is. After awhile, I think it must be one of my girlfriends. They are not french (and thus don't only go to the toilet at home) and not one of 50% of new people, who, I would assume, wouldn't do it because they are new. So it could only be one of my girlfriends.

So more people leave, we hang out on the deck, then more goodbyes. This time when we walk our guests to the door someone is walking out of our toilet room and there is no smell. but then 2 seconds later it comes back.
OK so if it is coming from the toilet, why didn't it smell when that person shut the door?
Weird.

Then it is 10 o'clock and the last people are leaving and I am still smelling a smell.
This is wrong - it cannot be in the toilet.
Holy shoot, someone took a dump in my shower!

And then reality punches me (duh.) and I remember that I don't have those kind of parties. (you know where people are so drugged up that they take a shit in your shower). Nor have I even attended one of those parties.

The smell is so strong. It's like, I'm 31 and I can't make poops that smell like that.
So I walk into the shower room, and then I realize - we have had babies here!
But babies can't make poops that smell like that! And who, in their right mind, would put a loaded diaper in a regular garbage.

Apparently our French friends are not willing to make a "contribution" to our toilet but they are completely unafraid to leave an exploded bomb in the shower room.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Mike and the Yogurt




While I was staying with our friends outside of Paris we went shopping for groceries. My friend's wife Betty (they are from the UK) asks me what we should get for breakfast and I say "yogurt." A perfectly reasonable thing to have for breakfast.

Well apparently yogurt in France includes crack.

Betty says to me "We can't have yogurt in the house because Mike will only eat yogurt until it's all gone."

It is a good thing I only take yogurt with Vitamin D.
And that I am excellent at hiding things.

Summer sun







Monday, August 2, 2010

Germany culinary SKILLZZZ


Edible gold spray
brought to you by Germans