The truth about McDonald's

I don't LOVE fast food. 
I cook a lot
I like strong flavors
I'm a big fan of being a guest at long dinners
but being the chef at long dinners just sucks

Do you ever just want to eat.  Like put something in your stomach so it stops screaming at you?  So it stops making you HANGRY at everyone.  Yea me too

I don't love McDonald's
but sometimes when I am tired and hungry.
or when I've been in 6 grocery stores + Primeur and in the micro-kitchen with no dishwasher for 3 days straight - surprisingly - I don't want to make something creative.  I don't want to find some new fancy thing to cook and then go on a hunt for the ingredients, come back home, cook, and eat 3 HOURS LATER. 
Sometimes I JUST WANT TO EAT and NOT DO DISHES.  

A series of unfortunate events...that happen every day

I have often heard the French are lazy.  At first I thought - this can't be true.  I don't actually know anyone who works anything close to the mandated 35 hours. (It's more like 47-hour weeks.) It's true that they like to eat 2 hour lunches and 5 hour dinners, but they are not lazy about getting work done.

And then a year passed
And I started to see a pattern.
This is what happened the other day at Darty, the Electronic Supply Store.


KB telephoning ESS 

ESS Service Center:  Hello Madame.  Please hold a minute. (I hear her talking for 2 minutes) Bonjour Madame.  Merci d'attendre une minute (je l'entendre parler avec son manager pendant 2 minutes

ESS Service Center:  Excuse me, thank you for holding. Merci, excusez-moi.

KB: Hi, You've just delivered a stovetop to my apartment and the hole in our countertop is not the right size.  Your delivery guy told me you have a service for that? Bonjour je viens d'être livré d'une plaque et le trou chez nous n'est pas de la bonne taille.  Vous avez un service "encastrable" pour l'elargir?

ESS Service Center: Is there a problem? Il y a un problème?

KB:  Yes, but not with the product.  Your delivery person told me you have a service for that - service "encastrable" Oui, mais ce n'est pas avec le produit, le livreur m'avait dit que vous avez un service pour ça, qui s'appel "Service Encastrable".

ESS Service Center:  Yes, but my computer isn't working . You'll have to go into the store, Madame. Oui, mais mon ordinateur ne fonctionne pas. il faut aller au magasin Madame. 

Luckily the closest ESS is a 5 minute walk from KB's apartment.

At the reception Desk:  Hi, I have a problem with a stovetop and they told me you have a service to widen the hole for the stovetop? Bonjour, j'ai un problème avec un plaque et ils m'ont dit que vous avez un service pour elargir le trou?

ESS Reception Desk:  Yes, but you have call and make an appointment. Oui, mais il faut appeler pour prendre rendez-vous.

KB:  Yes, but I just called to make the appointment and they told me to come into the store. Oui, mais je viens de les appeler et ils m'ont dit qu'il faut venir au magasin.

ESS Reception Desk:  So you need to see my colleagues downstairs. Donc il faut aller voir avec mes collegues en bas.

Downstairs at the Electronic Supply Store there are 2 people for the entire floor of: all kitchen and bathroom appliances,  vaccuums, refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens. 
4 people are waiting. 
The trick is to not stop looking at them.  If they think you will let up by distracting yourself with a machine - you are clearly have not waited long enough.

Finally

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens:  Ok so what do you need? Ok donc, qu'est qu'il vous faut?

KB: (Repeats the history of our stovetop) So I need an appointment for the service "encastrable".  Donc j'ai besoin du service "encastrable"

Monsieur refrigerators,washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: Ok we'll do that.Ok on vas faire ça.

He gives me a receipt with a barcode

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: You can pay upstairs with my colleague and then come back down here and we'll make you an appointment. Vous pouvez payer en haut avec ma collegue et revenir qu'on les appel pour un rendez-vous.

Upstairs, after the barcode is scanned and Madame is ready to run my credit card

ESS Reception Desk:  You are buying this service for a door? Mais vous faites pas un porte vous?

KB:  Non

ESS Reception Desk:  He made a mistake.  He must redo the receipt. Il s'est trompé.  Il faut qu'il refasse la feuille. 

Downstairs AGAIN

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: Oh, I did!  I don't know why I did that! Ah oui!  Je ne sais pas pourquoi j'ai fait ça!

KB gets the receipt, goes upstairs, pays, comes back downstairs.

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: Ok, Let's call for an appointment! Ah oui, On va les appeler.

KB:  I would like the soonest appointment possible. Tomorrow? J'aimerais bien la plus vite possible.  Demain?

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: (laugh) Not likely! (smile) It's vacation! It is going to take a long time!Mais non. C'est les vacances! ça va prendre longtemps.

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens calls: Oh no! It's not possible! They don't even respond anymore.  It rings busy and I am just supposed to keep calling until I get through?!  I am going to go see my director! Ah non!  C'est pas possible!  Ils ne répondent même plus.  ça sonne occupé maintenant et il faut qu'on continue à rappeler jusqu'au qu'on as quelqu'un.  Je vais voir avec mon directeur. 
The ESS service center changed the call system so that even when their own stores call in - there is no answer, no voice mail.  It just rings. and they have to keep calling until someone picks up. 

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens goes upstairs and comes back 5 minutes later.

Monsieur refrigerators, washers/dryers, stoves/ovens: We're going upstairs.  It will be my director that calls. He has a different number than I do. On va la haut ça sera mon directeur qui appel.  Il a un autre numéro que moi.

Upstairs

KB sitting at the desk waiting for the director for 10 minutes.

ESS Director:  You are the one waiting for an appointment...? C'est vous qui attend...

KB:  Yes! Oui!

ESS Director:  The line is busy. I''ll call you when I am able to get through. La ligne est occupé.  Je vous appel quand j'arrive de les avoir.

KB thinks:  You, the director, are going to keep calling until you get an open line and then call me back with the appointment?  I forsee me having to come back here tomorrow.


The alternate title for this post was:  How to make simple things very complicated and time consuming

So it's not that I think the French, or perhaps the Parisians, are lazy- they are just unwilling to invite more complication where even the most simplest (making an appointment) of tasks is complex.

Total time of the unfinished task: 90 minutes.

A long and unfunny post about going postal

My sister describes me as the opposite of a Francophile

But you see, it is simple.  I’m about things being functional and France is all about form.

And this week was a "non functional" lesson in going postal.

Monday night – we came back from Vienna.  Our plane is 35 minutes late.  We have not checked any luggage so we walk right off of the plane.  There is a sign that says “RER B replaced by a bus.  Take replacement bus from CDG 3.  Last bus 23h”

It is 5 minutes to 23h. We are in CDG 2.  

Downstairs we go to see what happens when we try to buy tickets.  It is possible the buses are late or it is their last run. I look around.  The buses are nowhere.  We check the regular city buses that go into the center of Paris, but they are also finished for the night.  We check the “cars” buses run by other companies but they cost 20 euros each, one way, and also stop at 23h. 

Taxi’s are 45euros.  So since there are two of us, it is roughly the same price.  So we take a taxi. 

The freeway  around Paris at our exit is closed.  We have to drive 15 extra minutes through a city outside of Paris to get into Paris to our place.  The taxi driver doesn’t take credit cards so we have to stop at a bank. 

Tuesday – I take metro line 13 (nightmare) to line 14.  Line 14 is my dream – completely automated and always functioning.  Except today.  When the metro suddenly stops. I watch the poor woman across from me (50ish, well-dressed), catapult across the floor, high heels fly off.  (similar to my experience in the bus, except as a good French woman, she is not eating  - so less tomato on the floor). We get stuck in the dark in between two stops for 10 minutes.  

Friday – I go in the early morning (this means 9) to the American shops to pick up cranberry sauce and pie crusts.  As previously indicated – to do this I wait for 2 sardine-style packed metros before I finally forcibly back into the person who, 10 seconds earlier, was smashed up against the window.  And now I pray - that the door will shut behind me, with me smashed up against the window, but in the metro. 

I have only 4 stops to go.  We stop 3 additional times to regulate traffic flow.

Friday Evening – I must leave for our train 3 hours early so I can go back to the store (45 minutes from our place) that I was at early in the morning that no longer sells cranberry sauce, but does sell fresh cranberries – and unlike the previous year – is the only place in town to do so (after checking 6 other stores along the way home). I buy my cranberries, turn around and go right to the train station. I arrive 40 minutes early.  It is Friday at 6pm and a mad house.  The train departing at 18h48 is on the flipboard with no quai but listed as “on time”.  The quai number lights up 10 minutes before departure(normally it is 20 minutes before).  We get on a completely dark train – the doors are open, but there are no lights and no personel to say why there are no lights on.  We wait nervously. (There is no connecting train if we are late). I send B out to check.  At 19h our train is “deleted” on the board (no explanation, no announcement). There is another train in 5 minutes.   He has to get back to me, load our stuff up, go up the quai and then back down another quai onto an already full train.  We are RUNNING with 2 rolling bags, 2 backpacks and a shopping bag full of cooking supplies and cranberries.  This is not comical.  This is not Home Alone.  This is almost missing a train and running at full speed in order to spoon people on the bus like I get to on the metro because the people for 2 trains are now on 1 train.  + baggage.  This is the road to going postal. 

And then after 45 minutes of standing in the aisles with our bags – no excuses or apologies, but the automated “We hope you have had an agreeable voyage” announcement. 

I want a gun. 

Modern Art - Rant

What, you might ask, is this?

It's art. Of course!

And it is a commentary on War. Clearly!

Last week, I was waiting for a friend of mine in North Station and this modern art installation spontaneously started smoking, flashing its lights and flapping its wings.

I am pretty traditional when it comes to art. I like pretty art. I like art that makes me feel nice. I don't particularly like art that evokes a bad or confused feeling.

I have tried over the years to gain an appreciation for modern and/or contemporary art. I have been to Beaubourg. I been to the Picasso museum in Barcelona. I do not like Andy Warhol.

In the end, I like the Centre Pompidou because it has a good feel around the building (lots of life and diversity) and because it has a nice rooftop terrace full of too many employees who wander around not actually doing anything. And because the hostesses look like a model rainbow. Weird and true.

Ok I do like Salvador Dali.

I think it was the day I went to his museum and found a large red building topped with large eggs. No, really. And then I realized that even though I didn't get his art I could still appreciate his level of skill and be amused by his art. (And really, how can you not like a guy who has a handlebar mustache?)

If modern art were a person I would say: You are pretty but I don't understand you at all. What are you doing here? And why do you keep flapping your arms like that? Are you ok? You seem to be smoking.

If this piece, called Le grand serpent (The Big Snake) were a person I would, with my head tilted to the side and my face all scrunched up in confusion, say "what?"

At least my flappy, white, smoking friend at the station seems happy.