Pretty sure my mom just told me she thought I was going to be a lesbian

Mom: "you watched all of your sisters go through their relationships and mine as well.  I wasn't sure you were going to end up with a man."

Things I did not expect to hear coming out of anyone's mouth

I love going to the prison.

He can't work out at all after his freak sledding accident in January.

I am a source of light.

Owen is the fun police (Owen is a dog).

because you had to make the paper different standard sizes

I have been sending resumes to work while I am on my extended trip home.  And I just yesterday had someone print it out for me.  The formatting is screwed.  One column on 2 pages.  "I have great Microsoft Office skills" doesn't count anymore. 
Who was the jerk that decided one of these countries would have a slightly different size of standard paper?  I am giving that person the doigt d'honneur.  Thank you for making me look like an ass.  Was it not enough that I changed my eating, my speaking, my sleeping habits?! You must also screw with my professional abilities?

Back in the game

I am back in my home town for an extended visit.  And boy if I didn't just realize that I am crazy lady who talks to herself. 

Getting flogged

I am starting to hate the nice man that comes to my house to teach me French every week.
I actually started tearing up during our lesson today.
Let me say that again: I cried in front of my French teacher today.
30 seconds in, he starts explaining how "lui" could not be referring to a woman because it is the compliment of the direct object.
That's why he couldn't respond.  Because it didn't make any sense. Even though, when used in a different context, it can refer to both a man or a woman (or apparently any other object: plants, dogs, couches, etc.)
I wish that my first reaction had been strong like a boxer and that I wanted to punch him.
But no.
And then he tried to be nice and tell me that I speak very well.  Except clearly that isn't the case because he just got finished telling me that people should have been correcting me.
Right.
I do speak well.  I speak better than all of the foreigners I know here.
but I am giving the French language the big "doigt d'honneur" today.

Did your mother ever correct you?  Mine did.  I hated her when I was 8, but then I was 14 and really great at English I liked her more.
Do you know what it is like to feel 8 again? I do.
But I still hate you today Phillipe.

On a positive note, it smelled like summer yesterday.  It was really warm and someone must have cut some grass in the neighborhood. 

Diplomacy

Putin:  You WILL do what I want.  You are falling under my menacing charms. 
Merkel:  Seriously?

Regular daily thoughts

Every time I see flashing/flickering lights I think
"Epileptics can't do anything! watch tv, go to the gym (disco lights in rpm class), or even go in the metro (flashing Samsung screens)."