Sunday, July 24, 2011

And other toilet stories...

Do not, for any reason, ever, sit down on a toilet seat outside of your home.

Because no one else does so you can imagine what sort of things are waiting for you on the toilet seat.

And since toilet news comes in pairs (like the legs of your underpants)...

Lack of toilet paper is also a serious problem.

About 70% of all public toilet rooms are out of paper. (And by "rooms", I mean very small closed door closets with a toilet. Think boat or camper toilets.)

It is my ultimate fear.

Doing the thigh-quivering, hovering above-the-toilet-seat squat and then trying to add extra shake at the end to eliminate as much drippage as possible.
Eliminating as much drippage as possible.
Because drip-dry isn't really dry, now is it.
Then pulling your pants back up. The cringe-causing horror.

And then I know I haven't wiped. All day.
I use antibacterial gel, as if I could get the knowledge sanitized from my mind. It's like the tell-tale-unwiping

The desperation forces me to militarily check for toilet paper.
On the rare occasion that I forget I have been known to do a hand-swipe and then deftly touch nothing with that hand until I maneuver my pants up with my left hand(with my ambidextral skillz) and thoroughly wash that hand.
Because nothing is as dirty as not having wiped. Nothing.

Even other scraps of unused toilet paper on top of the garbage.
I really did.

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