I want one of these

Should we start the trip to South Korea here?  It is the obvious choice really.  Usually the first thing you want to see when you get off the plane.
This is the one at our friend's house.   

What is that control panel?!  

1 year later and my friend's husband still refuses to try it.  But WE (the ladies) pushed all the buttons to see what they would do.

And then we translated the entire control panel (yay internet!)

Red = stop; Blue bum & fountain = rinse (see above); Pink person & fountain = lady rinse (wand slightly more forward); Pink double fountain = pleasure. 

The other four are temperature and pressure controls. 

And then we had dinner and were baptized with local drinks.  And then I was forced (and by forced I mean I jumped in bottom first, of my own accord) to try the machine.
And I sang like a canary.
And then I wiped and it was like nothing even belonging in the toilet ever came out of my behind.  AND it warms the seat.
I have been here for 10 days now and I completely fail to see the down side.

In further toilet news, I found out we are in another one of those countries where you are supposed to throw your toilet paper in the garbage.  boo.
Maybe that is why they have these toilets.  In the end you are just drying off your bottom from a mini-shower.

...and it is not even mine.

 A male friend of mine pulled this out of a shopping bag with a bunch of other metal plates about 2 weeks after this post.  I don't know why he had it or where he got it, but I immediately took a photo and sent it to our 6 foot tall friend (big splash) who thinks I am waging war on his manhood. 

"But non!"  I say (because I am Franglish) "You just can't leave piss on my walls!"

Here, it is like that!!!

Things you don't know if....

If you've never lived with a man or you don't have a toilet room (i.e. a small room/closet, separate from your bathroom with NARROW walls and a toilet)

you might not know about splashback.

I grew up with all girls, who sit on the toilet.  This man-standing up thing  with Splashback?  I had the pleasure of discovering here in France while doing my own business only to see some yellow marks on the white walls.
um gross.

I am the first to admit that I would totally write my name in the snow if I had the proper equipment. But dude - if you are in a house? sit down or pick up a cleaning wipe.
While the French government pays to clean up after you on the street, I don't have one of these guys for my toilet room!

Magic toilet paper

Simple pleasure:  I purposely buy the toilet paper with the cardbored center that disolves in water.  It means I don't have to take anything out of the toilet room to throw away.  I love it. 

Ridiculous marketing:  Our friends order their groceries online and get them delivered.  They always get free samples that come with it.  Their last free sample was not a roll of toilet paper with the dissolvable center - but just the dissolvable center with fold out instructions and commentary.
Yes kids!  Have fun throwing the end of your toilet paper roll into the toilet but make sure to read the directions! 

Reality:  It was probably fun for their 3-year-old to throw it in the toilet...for a whole 3 seconds.  I hope she doesn't get any bright ideas about other things to stick in the toilet.

Speaking of toilets...

We had a Saturday lunch today (flowers + chocolates in hand) with some friends of ours and the subject of kids came up. (They have a 9 month old and a 2 1/2 year old).

Standard Maternity Leave is 16 weeks for a 1st child.  3-6 weeks prenatal and the remaining weeks for postnatal (Leave is longer for each additional child). When women go back to work children generally either  go to a nounou (nanny) or go to the crèche (daycare) until 3 yrs when they can go to maternelle (preschool). They must be potty trained BEFORE they go to preschool which means it is generally done during the child's time at the crèche. But in typical fashion, France has a polite way to say this, which no one told KB about. This was the short and misunderstood conversation I had with his mother:
 
Paris Mom: Il devrait déja être propre à 2 ans ou il ne sera plus accepter à la creche.  He should already be clean by 2 or they won't allow him to come back to daycare.

KB: Il a l'air déja propre. He seems clean to me.  

And other toilet stories...

Do not, for any reason, ever, sit down on a toilet seat outside of your home.

Because no one else does so you can imagine what sort of things are waiting for you on the toilet seat.



And since toilet news comes in pairs (like the legs of your underpants)...


Lack of toilet paper is also a serious problem.

About 70% of all public toilet rooms are out of paper. (And by "rooms", I mean very small closed door closets with a toilet. Think boat or camper toilets.)

It is my ultimate fear.

Doing the thigh-quivering, hovering above-the-toilet-seat squat and then trying to add extra shake at the end to eliminate as much drippage as possible.
Eliminating as much drippage as possible.
Because drip-dry isn't really dry, now is it.
Then pulling your pants back up. The cringe-causing horror.

And then I know I haven't wiped. All day.
I use antibacterial gel, as if I could get the knowledge sanitized from my mind. It's like the tell-tale-unwiping

The desperation forces me to militarily check for toilet paper.
On the rare occasion that I forget I have been known to do a hand-swipe and then deftly touch nothing with that hand until I maneuver my pants up with my left hand(with my ambidextral skillz) and thoroughly wash that hand.
Because nothing is as dirty as not having wiped. Nothing.

Even other scraps of unused toilet paper on top of the garbage.
Yea
I really did.

So you want to go to the toilet, do you?

When in Europe and needing to "use the facilities" you ask for the "toilet".

I found this particularly difficult as I don't want anyone imagining that I am actually going to use the toilet.
Because, of course, when I go to the "bathroom" I could just be going to fix my hair and makeup.



Because when I lived in the States I totally did my hair and makeup. Much like this girl.


Ok so at least I didn't have to imagine them imagining me sitting on the TOILET.

(Sidenote: Separate shower rooms and toilet rooms are convenient. BECAUSE- one person in the shower and one person on the toilet.)

SO onto the next part of toiletmania.....

There are public restrooms and private restrooms. I'm not talking public restrooms, like the pods on the street that can be accessed with a couple of coins -we won't even go there (see above). I mean public bathrooms like at Quick, Pomme de Pain or any other establishment, versus the toilet in my apartment or at work.
I realized yesterday that I subconsciously plan my schedule of being out-and-about around toilet stops. Because the public toilets are absolutely dégueulasse, (disgusting). Don't think that I am kidding when I say that there was a dark brown spot on the tile in the toilet room at Starbuck's.

SO, if I am not going to a sit down restaurant, I am wary.
If I am shopping, I try to squeeze my bladder as much as possible before I go out. Because the other thing is - you just don't ask if you are not buying something.
You don't have emergencies and run in to a restaurant thinking they will be kind and understand that you are so full of pee that your eyes a yellow that is how high your emergency has reached, because they don't care. And the people who do care, have toilets as clean as gas station rest stops.
Like, suit up before you go in there.
With a mask.

In contrast, private bathrooms are always clean. Proper toilet etiquette dictates that anyone that uses the toilet for any "serious business" must use the brush to clean it. And every toilet has a brush. When you are in an office of 8 people, you just know. So everyone does their business and cleans up afterwards. I might have thought it was acceptable to leave anything below the water line, but I would be totally wrong.

And that
is about all there is to say about toilets in France.

Just 1

Yes, my friends, what you are actually seeing is photo of toilet paper. Take notice of the name, "just 1", and also that small icon in the bottom left corner with a 6. That is the "ply" of my toilet paper here in France. And the name, that is how many squares they expect you to use. I cheat and use 2, which might mean I am SUPER lux, instead of just lux. Really, could you resist trying 6 ply toilet paper if given the chance?